“This is only phase one of the scandal. Phase two: I go on Oprah and sob.”
- David Letterman makes light of being blackmailed for having sex with his staff.

I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
- Jerry Seinfeld

Ever notice how it’s a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
- Steven Wright